


A Tale of Happily Ever Afters

by chailover



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dubious Science, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Giant Robots, Kanda Yuu Swears a Lot, Kanda being kanda, Mad Scientists, Not Really Character Death, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24889189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chailover/pseuds/chailover
Summary: The exorcists missed the day that they handed out happy endings, but Fate conspires to force some on them anyway.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Komui Lee, Kanda Yuu & Lavi, Kanda Yuu & Lavi & Lenalee Lee & Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu & Lenalee Lee, Lenalee Lee/Allen Walker
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. aka: In which Kanda despairs of dying in peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Original notes: Have some warnings too: this is pseudo everything - pseudo crack, pseudo humor, completely made up science in parts, and KOMURIN. Oh, and heat-guided tranquilizer missiles. It was my response to myself after writing a melancholy death-fic, go figure. Probably rated around PG-13 for Kanda, in general. 
> 
> New notes: Still archiving...one of my fic-for-my-birthdays. Will be marked as complete in 2 chapters, since I've never gotten around to finishing the third one. Also I've managed to have 3 minor variations on the title in the 3 places I've posted this before (if it looks familiar and you've read it on FF.net, that's why). Going with the latest one. Ugh.

**

Kanda Yuu was screaming.

Now, considering that during the course of his admittedly short (but still 21 and change, which was not insignificant) years, he had gone through horrors and pain and torture of the likes not known to normal men, this was somewhat strange. Kanda had faced down the Akuma, the Noah, the Earl, and occasionally even Linali's cooking, with nary a change of expression other than an eyebrow twitch. He had seen and done some pretty awful things without shedding a tear, and he had gone through a lot of physical agony - wounds that would have killed anyone ten times over.

He also accepted the fact that his life expectancy was probably not much better than a 70-year-old man's (one that chain smoked, drank, and didn't touch fruits or vegetables with a ten foot stick). Those were just the cold, hard facts about the pact that he had made, and he was adult enough to face up to the consequences.

And through all that, he never let out a single scream. So the fact that he was doing so now, when the war was over, the Earl defeated, the Noah dead, and the Akuma soon to be found only in Lavi's Hidden History, was more than a little odd.

If one listened carefully, eventually the screaming became interspersed with words (most of which are not to be repeated in any company, proper or not). There were other voices too, rising in volume until probably half the Order could hear the discussion taking place.

Imagine this: near the middle of the inner training level of the new Dark Order Headquarters, there was something best described as a writhing morass of several bodies. Closer inspection would reveal that it was in fact, composed of several Exorcists (Kanda Yuu, Allen Walker, Lavi) and scientists (the most noteworthy of which was Johnny). In addition to screaming and profanities (and occasionally screaming profanities), Kanda was also kicking, scratching, biting and generally trying to kill the other exorcists and scientists, who were trying just as adamantly to hold him down.

The reason why he was having so little success in his attempts at homicide could be attributed to Linali Li, who had effectively made off with Mugen minutes prior. The reason why Kanda was fighting so hard despite somewhat trusting those trying to hold him was because there was a twenty foot tall mechanical robot fast closing on their location.

He had resigned himself to whatever came, but 'whatever came' did not include any time spent in the capacity of a Komurin. Just, NO. He'd rather DIE.

"IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT, WE PROMISE!" Allen was bellowing, using Crown Clown to try and immobilize Kanda's arms. This only succeeded in tying up the said appendage and whoever was hanging onto it at the time.

"TRAITORS!" Kanda yelled back, cracking two of the scientists' heads together. "VILE, DIRTY TRAITORS!"

Komurin XXI glided to a smooth stop and sensor beams started shooting from its one eye. "Searching for Target..." it intoned.

"CALM DOWN, YUU!!" Lavi was attached to Kanda's left leg, already bruised and with bandanna askew. "WE'RE TRYING TO HELP!"

Kanda tried to break Lavi’s kneecap. Thankfully, the angle was all wrong.

"Target Lock-on." Komurin beeped, and then it opened its 'mouth' area (which also had an over-the-door label of 'surgery room') and robotic arms came out, metal fingers wiggling with anticipation. It picked up the struggling pile of bodies, placed them on an extended platform that came out of a leg-stilt, and started picking out the undesirables - its prime directive had nothing on what to do with the Science Department members, for one.

Kanda had not survived this long for being slow on his feet. When the robotic appendage came for him, he grabbed Allen by the scruff of his neck and shoved the white-haired exorcist into the grasping hand. Then he tripped Lavi and leapt out of the reach of the bastard child of Komui's insanity and the Dark Order's technology, making a run for the door.

It might have worked too, if Komurin XXI hadn't been equipped with guided tranquilizer darts (just what the hell was Komui blowing the Order’s R&D budget on?!). Too late, Kanda realized leaving his back to the enemy was a bad idea as he felt a prick against his neck. The last thing he saw was Komui walking toward him, Komurin rolling up behind him.

"Everything will turn out just fine." Komui cooed. If Kanda could have moved, he would have screamed again.

\--

"Will he be okay?" Lavi asked quietly as the unconscious (and heavily sedated, more for the safety of others than his own) Kanda tossed and turned in his infirmary bed. Allen had been somewhat miffed when Komui promptly had Komurin deposit Mugen's conformer in the infirmary - what they really needed wasn't Kanda, but Kanda's lotus. Still, it didn't hurt to have Kanda in a state that rendered him incapable of coming after them once he discovered they _had_ his lotus, so all the bruises and scratches and general getting beaten up was worth it.

"He should be fine. We'll get started on the procedure immediately now that he's out of commission." Komui said, his smile some cross between fond-older-brother and mad-genius-scientist. Linali came into the room, exchanged a smile with her brother, and went to Kanda's bedside. She took one of his hands and gently folded his fingers around the cool metal of Mugen's sheath.

Allen and Lavi jumped back instinctively out of Mugen-range in absolute horror (having experienced Kanda's ability to draw and slice without really being awake before), but Linali just chuckled.

"Don't worry," she said brightly, "he's still out and will stay that way for awhile. He just sleeps better with Mugen in his hands." Indeed, Kanda had quieted down and was sleeping like a baby. Mugen as a security blanket, who knew?

"Do I want to know how she knows that?" Allen asked under his breath.

"I don't think I do." Lavi muttered back.

\--

When Kanda opened his eyes again, sunlight was streaming through the windows and he blinked blearily. There was a familiar and comforting weight in his hands. Even though there really wasn't a need to be battle ready at any instant anymore, he was glad that he had Mugen.

In fact, there was something about Mugen...

_"Kanda, the Science Department is updating the stats on everyone's Innocence. Let me borrow Mugen for a bit."_

He bolted upright. Linali! And then Komurin and Komui! He glanced down at Mugen but then why did they give it back?

A quick glance around told him that he was in the infirmary, alone. There were soft voices coming from the nurses' station, but their cadences were slow and lazy. Stealthily, he slipped out of bed and made it out of the door without being detected.

Once he was outside, he made a beeline for Komui's office. Finders, cleaning staff, and other exorcists practically fell over themselves to get out of his way - after all, when Kanda Yuu was smiling in anticipation of bloody and satisfying revenge, you didn't want to accidentally draw his attention, lest the violence be turned on you.

\--

Komui was not in his office, so Kanda terrorized one of the support staff into revealing the Head Officer's location. From the frightened stutterings, Kanda also gleaned that the rest of the vile traitors were with his soon-to-be-deceased supervisor. Perfect.

Unfortunately, the B17 level housing Komui's labs was not well lit, and while he could hear voices, they were muffled and echoed oddly, forcing him to go slowly to check each door (labeled rather gruesomely in Roman numerals with what looked like blood, but was in fact just plain ol' red paint engineered to mimic every aspect of blood. Komui liked messing with people's heads a little TOO much).

"...a success!...the temporal...energy transfer..." That was Komui, in his mad-scientist tone.

Allen's voice said something, sounding doubtful. Kanda patted Mugen, promising it a nice taste of Beansprout blood soon.

"...temporal whatizit?" that was Lavi. "...works...how...?"

There was a muffled ring, and then Linali's voice, worried. "...nurses...Kanda..."

Kanda tilted his head slightly at door #XIII. It sounded like the voices were coming from inside, so he took a few steps back...and kicked the door in.

"EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!" Komui and a handful of scientists shrieked like little girls. Linali spun around, Boots activating, and Lavi turned his hammer battle-sized as the scientists cowered behind Allen. Kanda smiled and drew Mugen.

"Who wants to die first?" he asked pleasantly.

\--

Linali wished she had the time to turn around and kick her brother in the head, but she had to keep an eye on Mugen instead. Behind her, the Head Officer of the Dark Order was whining.

"Kanda-kun, you're such an ungrateful git!" Komui huffed. "After all we've done for you, you want to kill us? You're so mean!"

 _I don't think 'mean' is the word for it_...thought all the exorcists in the room.

Kanda smiled, and it was still very pleasant. In fact, it was _because_ it was such a pleasant expression that it made everyone with an iota of sense (ruling out Komui) want to run away screaming. In fact, it became EVEN MORE PLEASANT when his eyes went past Komui to the contraption in the middle of the room, a horrific glass tube-thing with wires and pipes and cables coming out of it. "You steal Mugen," the aforementioned anti-Akuma weapon gleamed in the light, "Set Komurin and the stupid rabbit and beansprout on me," Allen protested with an indignant, 'I'm not a beansprout!', which was ignored, "and you. Stole. My. Lotus." The flower – well, the stem with its one petal, actually- floated serenely in the test tube the size of a train-car.

"We can explain, Yuu!" Lavi said nervously. "Just give us a second!"

"No," Kanda said, still smiling, except now it wasn't pleasant anymore, just scary. "I think I'll kill you now."

Just as Linali shifted her weight - she knew all Kanda's favorite starting attacks and from her position could block most of them - her brother yelled, "Hit the red button, Johnny!!"

And Johnny, bless or curse his geeky little heart, did.

\--

Kanda was fairly sure that his heart never actually exploded in his chest before, though Tyki Mikk had tried physically removing it a few times. But that was what it felt like when Johnny pushed the big red button (why did it always have to be red buttons? Why couldn’t it ever be a plain black one?). Everything was perfectly cliché his heart exploded in his chest, the world went white and he was sure he died.

If that was the case, Hell was a noisy place.

"Oh my god, ohmygodohmygod you killed Kanda!!"

"I didn't mean to, the boss told me to push the button!"

"Why is it set on 'high'?! Who set it on high?! This is an experimental setup, what idiot put it on 'high'?!"

Hell apparently still housed people from the Science Department. Just his luck.

"Put him here," that was Linali, and Kanda pondered what particular brand of Hell would include Linali Li. Most people would say that there was no way such a lovely, sweet girl could be in any part of Hell, and he must have ended up in Heaven instead. Those people obviously did not comprehend how fully evil anyone bearing the name of Li could be.

"He's not dead, is he?" That was the beansprout, and Kanda could fully appreciate why HE might be in Hell. There were hands touching him - feeling for a pulse.

"He can't be dead!"

Kanda felt a satisfying impact against his fist. Judging from the yelp, he had managed to clock Lavi a pretty good one. "What the fuck?" he croaked when he opened his eyes.

Linali was a bit blurry, but he could see that she was giving him a disapproving look nonetheless. "That wasn't nice, Kanda."

"By DOSE!" Lavi wailed.

"I didn't hit you THAT hard," Kanda growled.

"Definitely not dead," Allen muttered.

"No thanks to - what the hell was that?!" For the second time that day, Kanda bolted upright. The second time was not nearly as pleasant as the first though, because he got a horrible head-rush and almost fell over again.

Linali and Lavi, by virtue of being the closest, grabbed him. "Allen-kun," Linali said sweetly, "Can you go tell my brother that Kanda's awake? I think he'd best explain things."

Lavi was holding his face with his free hand. "Before he hits anyone else," he added.

"I'm going to strangle you," Kanda informed Lavi.

"You can strangle me later," Lavi said in a patronizing tone. "When you can sit up without falling right back down - OW!"

" _Boys_." Linali gave them the Look.

Kanda stared right back. "This better be good," he muttered.

\--

"...what?"

Komui pushed up his glasses. "As I said, upon extensive study of temporal physics and meta-etherical osmosis-"

"In ENGLISH," Kanda snapped, and when Komui opened his mouth to declare that he WAS speaking English, he amended with, "In normal _human_ English."

There was a chorus of "Hey, we're human!" from the scientists, and Komui rolled his eyes.

"Just look, then," he said, pointing toward the oversized glass tube. Kanda followed the direction of his finger, and his eyes widened at the sight.

The lotus floated in the water, as serene as it ever was. With three petals...when he was certain there had only been one before, and one that was withering, at that.

"...how?" he croaked.

Komui started explaining. The scientists nodded along, occasionally offering input. The exorcists present all immediately affected a glazed look. "...oh, never mind," Komui huffed. "You lot wouldn't understand the details. In short, we've figured out a way to stuff life energy _back_ into your lotus, since we couldn't figure out how to break the original curse."

"Life energy?" Allen yelped.

"Whose?!" Lavi demanded.

"How is that even possible?!" Kanda growled.

Komui heaved a long suffering sigh. "NO ONE's life energy," he answered Lavi and Allen first. "It was a complicated process, but we've a general conversion equation down for changing the normal sorts of energy we do have to the kind that humans can actually use. And as for you, Kanda-kun, it's possible because a lot of people worked very hard to figure out how to do it, and nothing is impossible when you have enough mad scientists in the room."

A hand squeezed his and Kanda looked down to see Linali smiling from his shoulder.

"...what's the catch?" Kanda finally said, after he thought he’d sort of gotten his brain around the 'the Science Department actually does work' part. "There has to be a catch. You don't just run around giving out life energy."

"We don't," Komui agreed. "It's one of our projects because it has enormous implications for the advancement of medical technology if we can get it to work outside of our binding constraints, which are the facts that there needs to be a life-sucking curse in the first place, and that the energy conversion is grossly inefficient." He pushed up his glasses and they glinted eerily. "It's already amazing that it works at all, with these constraints. But," and the frivolity usually in his tone dropped dead away, "this is not a cure-all, Kanda-kun. If you get injured, your tattoo will still drain your life to heal you. Those petals will still wither. We’ve brought you some time, but not much."

Allen was fairly sure he had never seen Kanda have so many expressions in such rapid succession, including the 'I have just been smacked in the face with a rubber hammer' one. He supposed it was somewhat of a shock, and understandably so. Linali was beaming though, and so was Lavi, and he was feeling somewhat relieved, himself. Sure, he'd probably die (or kill Kanda himself) if they were stuck on a deserted island together somewhere with no one else for company, but Kanda was a fellow exorcist, and Linali had rubbed off on him. Kanda was also a piece of his world now.

"Che." Kanda finally wrestled his face back into a semblance of his normal, cold expression. "Whatever."

"Any time is good time," Lavi chirped. "This means more birthday parties, Yuu!"

"That is the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard," Kanda muttered.

And that is the tale of how Kanda despaired of dying in peace.

\--

End


	2. aka: This is not the happy ending you signed up for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess unlike chapter 1, this was only ever posted on my LJ. :Db

**

All was not light and roses at the Dark Order (the word 'Dark' is in the name, how can it be all light?), but it was fairly close. The Head honcho of the outfit, one Komui Li, reclined in his supervisor's chair with a sense of a job well done.

Now, looking at Komui's office - wall to wall bookshelves jammed full of knowledge, papers and maps and diagrams on the walls, ceilings and floors, and, unknown to many, secret passageways hidden behind all the junk - one might think that the man was a tad disorganized. Just a little, tiny bit. If you happen to pick up a particularly aged mission report stuffed between the pages of a book on tropical birds with physics equations scribbled in the margins on your way to the couch reserved for exorcists receiving orders, you might revise that opinion up to extremely disorganized.

But the truth was Komui was really quite organized. What contributed to the general impression of chaos was the fact that all his lists were in his head and his sense of priorities made as much sense as a radio transmission from an alien civilization. He also never filed anything that he didn't absolutely positively do-it-or-else have to. Reever had conceded defeat the one time Komui deigned to _prove_ that he indeed knew where everything was even in the mess. Komui merely did not sign and file paperwork with religious zeal because there were other things to spend his religious zeal on.

The most notable of those things was his constantly maintained and fervently updated List of Things That Will Ensure My Sister's Happiness. This was closely followed by the List of Things to Ensure the Well-Being of the People Under My Command. The last important list of note was his List of Really Awesome Komurin Ideas. He had extensive mental cross references between the three and also to all the other miscellaneous lists floating around in his gray matter. Sometimes it was hard to be a genius.

Right now he was humming a happy tune and drinking his coffee, slacking off on work, because he managed to cross off several things on those three lists in one fell swoop. Of course he had to have a serious (and private) conversation with Kanda-kun later about the whole life-energy transfer deal, but all in all, he managed to 1. ensured Linali will not suffer from sadness at losing one of her comrades, 2. ensured that several of his other exorcists wouldn't have to suffer from acute angst from losing one of their comrades/dying (too much angst, anyway. Komui was of the opinion that a little angst now and then never hurt anyone), and 3. test out the heat-seeking guided blowdarts on Komurin XXI.

But! Komui was not slothful, not one to rest on his laurels. Genius was to be shared with the rest of the world, of course, and now that he had the 'Phase 0' of his overall outline to achieve Linali's happiness completed, it was time for Phase 1.

"Er, boss," Reever said with an eyebrow twitch at Komui's wide, wide grin. "What are you thinking about? Or do I even want to know?"

Komui finished his coffee and picked up his pen, still grinning with unholy glee. "Reever, my good man, I need you to call in some exorcists for me."

**

"What. The. Hell. Is. This?"

Lavi blinked in surprise as he read one of the sheets on a shorter stack (shorter meaning that it was only stacked to shoulder-height instead of ceiling height). "Hey, wasn't this my report for the mission in Prague?"

Komui flipped on the lights. "Yessssssss!" He declared. "And Vienna, and London, and all those other places where you had missions for the first year of your time with us!"

Kanda developed a tic in his left eye as he surveyed the room.

It was about the size of a comfortably large bedroom, maybe a little bit bigger. With the exception of the 'L' shaped hallway that they were standing in and a small table and two folding chairs, the room was filled almost to the brim with papers. Most of the stacks reached the ceiling, while a half dozen or so rivaled Komui's height. The rest took up the remaining floorspace.

"..."

"It's so nostalgic!" Komui sighed, straightening a few sheets here and there. "Why, I remember when both of you were just wee lads-" he ignored their twin protest of 'We were sixteen!', "-and Lavi was just starting up with his exorcist duties. I swear some of the staff fainted at the sight of these mission reports!"

Indeed, the first time Komui saw one, he almost fainted himself - this was from a combination of the report having to be sent in by the wheelbarrow-full, sleep deprivation and the utter lack of desire to read it. At the time Lavi had looked sheepish and apologized for 'being too concise', where being 'too concise' was a domain that actually belonged to Kanda of the 2-sentence reports. Komui was overjoyed when he discovered putting them together on missions (and therefore, together on mission report writing) made for a small packet of five pages with every detail he would need.

Without preamble, Kanda smacked Lavi upside the head. "You IDIOT. You mean you ALWAYS wrote mission reports like you were trying to wipe out the world's paper supply!?"

"Ow! Hey, it's not my fault that Panda keeps saying, 'it's too short' to everything I wrote in my formative years!" Lavi protested, adjusting his skewed bandanna.

"Think of your target audience, dumbass!"

"Exactly!" Even Kanda took a step back at Komui's shouted agreement. "That is exactly it, Kanda-kun!" He lowered his voice and smiled. The light glinted off his glasses, hiding his eyes. "Since you two have some time, this is just the mission for you!" He gestured toward the room holding Lavi's mission reports. "Please rewrite these reports together," he said pleasantly, "since it seems like you two are utterly incapable of writing them individually."

Lavi cringed. "Does that mean we'll have to go through Yuu's mission reports later?"

Komui hummed. "That's a great idea! But get started on these first, please. Now, ta-ta!"

When he waltzed out of there, Kanda was still trying to beat the stupidity out of Lavi's brain. Komui judged this task of redoing the reports would take at least four days, if not a whole week, depending on how long Kanda planned to vent his frustrations before starting.

Plan: Ensure Linali's Happiness, Phase 1 a - in progress.

**

For Phase 1b of The Plan, Komui actually did some work. The Earl was defeated, but there were still Akuma wandering all over, and their task of cleaning up the remnants of these damned souls was perhaps less monumental than saving the world, but no less difficult. Komui still had to work hard at it! Or, to be more precise, he was working now by reading through the various Finders' reports that passed his desk in order to discern a. fact from fiction, and b. the best 'mission' to give to his most wonderful, dearly beloved, utterly perfect beautiful baby sister.

"Hmmm, possible Akuma infestation." He set that aside for Kanda or Allen later. "Mysterious artifacts that may or may not have significant historical value." That was for Lavi and Bookman. "Akuma sighting near Vienna's concert hall." Marie, definitely. "Paris." That needed to go to General Theodore's desk, though the High Generals would have to plan for the man to be AWOL for a few weeks as he went through and sketched every building in the city. "Aha! Possible Innocence fragment!"

Reever deserved several sainthoods and said so. "If you went ahead and decided the assignments already, why don't you ever write it down or something!?" He grumbled, scribbling on the various reports that had been tossed aside (after being sorted) by Komui.

"Reever, please call my dearest sister in for her mission, please."

**  
_And while the rest of Phase 1 was ongoing..._

If one were to wander down into the deep bowels of the Archives of the Dark Order's Headquarters, one might catch snippets of interesting conversations echoing in the dark halls from undetermined sources.

"...Hey, I remember this! It was this really pretty Italian girl - I _loved_ her accent, and she was..." a pregnant pause, "You know, _stacked_."

There was an equally pregnant pause followed by several muffled thumps, which may or may not have been one irate exorcist introducing his fist to the hard head of another exorcist. "What the heck does that have to do with the mission!?"

"Well, I can't leave out Dalila, 'cus she was the one that mentioned the strange sounds coming from the church, which meant we ended up investigating-"

"No. I meant, what the hell does her measurements, her extremely detailed physical description, her list of culinary accomplishments, and her _life history_ have to do with the mission!?"

"..........it must be important somehow."

"LEAVE IT OUT!"

**

"I'll be back in a week then." Linali gave him a peck on the cheek, suitcase in hand. Looking at his eyes gushing tears like broken faucets, she smiled fondly. "Geez, brother, this is nothing to cry about."

Komui sniveled. "Are you sure you don't want to take Komurin XXI with you?" He wept while holding out the remote. "He cooks, cleans and will protect you from unwanted advances!" What Komui meant, of course, wasn't just 'unwanted' but ANY advances, real or imagined.

Thankfully, Linali knew exactly what he meant and diffused the situation with the ease of frequent practice. She patted him on the cheek and said, "I can take care of myself, brother. And besides, you said so yourself - it's a simple mission and there haven't been any reports of suspicious activity around the area. It'll be fine." She nodded to the Finder who would be accompanying her. "Good-bye, brother. I'm off."

Komui blew his nose and waved his handkerchief morosely. "Have a nice trip."

Plan: Ensure Linali's Happiness, Phase 1 b - in progress.

**

The preparation for Phase 2 of the Plan had actually been in progress for a while - the last few weeks, to be precise. If one really studied the matter, the fact that it had been ongoing was really more of a fortuitous coincidence than anything else, but Komui figured his genius had to have had SOMETHING to do with it.

After all, he was the one assigning the missions, so therefore he must have been masterminding the plot, even unconsciously.

"Reever!" Komui held up his quill pen like a pointer. "Read me the missions roster!"

Reever heaved a long suffering sigh. "I don't get paid enough for this..." He muttered, digging out the missions folder from The Pit - aka Komui's desk. It was spectacularly messy today, with reams of papers filled with Komui's scribbles and notes. Most of it was formulas and shorthand notations on theories on...Allen's Innocence? Reever frowned at a sheet detailing every known ability of Crown Clown. "Boss, what's this?"

"Missions Roster!" Komui said impatiently.

Reever hefted the missions folder in his hands and 'dropped' it (at high velocity, ah, the wonders of potential energy) on Komui's head. It squished the beret and knocked the Head Officer's glasses askew. "Read it yourself!" Reever huffed, storming off while muttering things like 'pay raise' and 'mental health day' under his breath.

Komui righted his glasses, took his hat off, and opened the folder. With any luck, Reever will putter in the labs for the next couple of days (coming up with something to one-up him) or go and pass out for some much needed sleep (four days wasn't precisely a record, but REM is necessary for normal brain function).

He flipped through the pages until he reached the most recent missions, ending with the one he just gave to Linali. Komui shuffled forward, nodding and "hmm, yes"-ing to himself, skimming the contents. Just as he thought, he was a genius.

Komui stood up and closed the folder, gathering the stack of notes he had on Crown Clown. He would have to pick up some equipment, and Komurin needed to be recharged, but otherwise all was precisely as it should be.

"Ah. It's perfect." he said to himself before dancing out of his office.

Allen Walker won't know what hit him.

**

"...."

"What is it, Yuu?"

"From here," a shuffle, "To here. We're tossing it."

"What was..." shuffle, "Hey! This was my first impression of London!"

"Yes. Your first impression of London, and the _three hundred_ people in the streets at the time!"

"I'll have you know it was three hundred and seventeen." A pause. "And twenty three dogs."

"DIE."

**

Allen Walker felt like a train had hit him.

"Oh dear~" Jerry said, eyebrows raising over his shades. "Allen, you look terrible!"

"Ahaha," Allen replied with a weak grin. He did not have the energy to list off his usual order so he just said, "May I have the B-set?"

"Just the -"

"Fifty orders, please."

"Ahhh, that's more like it," Jerry crooned. "Fifty orders of the B-set, coming up!"

It was the witching hour - meaning that the dining hall was mostly deserted. It was already a miracle that Jerry was even up to take and make his order, even though Allen had tried Lavi's room to see if the other exorcist wanted to make a late night food run. Bookman had answered the door (well, Bookman, several scrolls, five reams of paper, and various writing supplies had answered the door, but who was paying attention?) and said that Lavi was out for the foreseeable future on some mission internal to Headquarters. Allen's stomach had chosen then to remind him forcefully that parasite types needed to be well fed and watered every three hours when in high activity mode, and he gave up on finding a food-run partner in favor of placating the ravenous beast.

As a true testament to his exhaustion, once his order arrived he managed to only get through about half before he started nodding off in the salad. He NEVER fell asleep in his food, a product of both nature and nurture.

"Ugh...fifteen missions in three weeks is too much..." he mumbled, raising his head just enough to shovel more pasta into his mouth - chewing and swallowing did not require too much conscious thought, and if he fell asleep now he just might die of starvation before he could wake again.

With the defeat of the Earl, all that remained for the Dark Order was the exorcism of the surviving akuma. Alas, while that was an easy task for the level ones that haven't evolved - they made scenes as they went into their machine-forms in public, attempting to massacre enough people to make it to the next level - it was a difficult one for high level akuma. Some of the akuma retained reason and even their original intelligence. In those cases, they stayed low, killing only when needed and far away from where they hid amongst normal humans.

"I wish someone would invent an akuma radar..." Allen groaned. Being the only one who could see the akuma's soul meant that he was in high demand for missions that weren't clear cases of akuma activity. After all, any exorcist could be sent to put down rampaging akuma terrorizing a town...but most would fail to find any quarry if they were sent to a place only on rumor, if the akuma was smart enough to stay inconspicuous.

And because of that, Allen found himself going on mission after mission, chasing after possible akuma. Most of the time, he found them and released their souls. Other times, he didn't find a single trace. The constant travel (and lack of army-proportioned meals!) was really wearing on him. Running on fumes was getting to be a familiar state.

Briefly, Allen pondered asking for a vacation. Just as quickly, he discarded it. The Order needed him. The akuma needed him. It was his duty to do his job and do it well.

If anyone would choose to point out that he was starting to develop workaholic tendencies like Kanda, they probably would get clawed by Crown Clown. It was a good thing no one was there to point that out.

"Thanks for the food," he called out to Jerry after he finished his fifty orders of the B-set, feeling slightly better. Jerry gave him twenty sticks of mitarashi dango ("Saved just for you!") and that helped perk his spirits up even more.

Carrying his spoils of war (ok, mitarashi dango, but 'spoils of war' has a nice ring to it), Allen made his way up to one of the buttresses of their new Tower. It was a cool and clear night, with the stars shining brightly alongside a large moon. He chewed his dango thoughtfully, the crisp air further chasing away his drowsiness.

**

"...Lavi. This isn't a mission from your first year."

"Oh, hey. It's the mission to find and protect General Cross. Wow, this was back when we were all wandering around trying to meet up."

"What is this then?"

"Hmm, I guess it was that night when I got an update on what else was happening in the Order...Man, there were a lot of other missions going on at the same time, huh?"

"........Lavi." There was the sound of someone's last nerve snapping. Or it might have been Kanda sinking Mugen's extremely sharp tip into the table. "This is your report on _other people's_ reports. This is your _extremely detailed_ report on other people's reports, on top of your already epic recounting of _every single thing_ that happened since Komui gave you the mission. There are two hundred pages of this junk."

"...ehehe...who knows? Maybe the details will be handy to someone else later?"

"I am going to _shred_ this."

"Wait-Yuu! Don't use the Ichigen here!!"

**

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of Headquarters, a screen switched from 'standby' to 'operational'. Green light glinted off glasses as fingers flew over the control panel in a flurry of typing. Gears ground together, machinery whirred to life, and there was even an evil cackle to top it all off.

**

"I'm still walking, Mana," Allen whispered to the night sky. "I'll find all the akuma and save them, I promise." He didn't look back at his shadow, knowing that it would look perfectly normal to every eye but his own. The Spectre's gaze had lessened in intensity ever since the Earl was defeated, but it never left. He figured it would drive him for the rest of his life. "I don't know how long it'll take or what I'll do after...but I'll keep going."

He remembered seeing on the roster that Linali was off to a mission. Allen ducked his head.

"I asked her, Mana," he murmured. "She said she'll think about it. I'll ask her again when she gets back...as many times as it takes." The eyes were burning holes in his back. Allen shivered from the waves of malice radiating from behind him. Timidly, he peeked back - was Mana angry?

Instead of Mana, instead of the Spectre, Allen saw something else instead. Something that made him immediately start screaming like a little girl.

**

"Target located. Commencing retrieval mission." Komurin XXI intoned, making a grab for the white-haired exorcist that it had located on top of one of the overhanging balconies.

Allen yelled in shock at the sight of the twenty foot tall robot hovering RIGHT BEHIND HIM with one glowing red eye and leapt off the ledge instinctively. Crown Clown activated and Allen shot out the Clown Belt to snag a gargoyle on the way down to slow his fall. Suddenly, something obstructed the moonlight. He looked up to see Komurin dive-bombing toward him.

"Cease and desist." Komurin intoned. "Resistance is futile."

"Wh-what-WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Allen wailed as he threw up the cape, barely blocking several heat-guided blow-darts. He wasn't as fast as Linali or Kanda, but he was very acrobatic and as such, managed to avoid the darts he couldn't knock out of the sky as well as several grabs by Komurin's hands.

He landed on Komurin's head and bolted down the robot's back, where the tentacle hands had trouble reaching. He was almost to the door to the inside (and to relative safety) when Komurin buckled and the motion sent him flying into the air. Allen let out a rare curse when he felt something wrap around his ankle.

"Target captured." Komurin intoned right before Allen smacked out its eye with his sword. "Target - _buzzt_ \- captured. Cease and desist. I repeat - _buzzt_ \- cease and desist."

"Like hell." Allen muttered fervently, hacking at the arm holding his foot. He made a mental note to apologize to Kanda for helping Komurin catch him.

Something whizzed through the air and pricked him in the neck.

"Ohshi-zzzzzzzzzz........." And Allen was out like a light.

Komurin set the now sleeping exorcist into its chest cavity. Komui flashed his creation a thumb's up from his sniping position before hopping down onto Komurin's platform. He sauntered over and nudged Allen with his foot. "Alllllllennnnn-kunnn," he singsonged. "Are you fully unconscious?" Allen snored at him. "Ahhh, good. Snoring is good." Komui set his blowdarts away into their special case. "These were made for Kanda-kun, you know, and probably would kill a horse. I adjusted it just for you." Allen snored some more. Komui's glasses glinted. "Sleep well. I'll see you on the other side."

**

"...how many missions did you go on?"

"..hm. Twenty eight in the first six months or so, though you have to count in the one month we spent getting used to our new weapons."

"How many abridged mission reports are in that stack over there?"

"Twenty eight, but that's including the mission to find Cross."

"...."

"What? We're almost done, Yuu!"

"Explain, then. Why is there still a stack going up to the ceiling?!"

"...it was my first mission and I got a little carried away?"

**

The other side was constructed from imperfect darkness. Allen blinked groggily as he slowly regained consciousness, eyes adjusting. His left eye remained dormant but his normal vision was eventually able to pick out the vague outline of a room that seemed faintly familiar.

Then, lights clicked on.

Allen yelped as the bright florescent lights seemed to stab straight into his skull, squeezing his eyes shut as tightly as he could. The high beams seemed to be directly in his face, and he discovered that he was strapped down when he couldn't raise his hands to cover his eyes.

_Innocence, activate!_ he thought frantically. Crown Clown remained silent, and the fingers of his left hand twitched feebly.

The shadow of a figure blocked out the edge of the blinding light, and Allen caught a glimpse of glinting glasses. There was a zapping noise, and then something started whirring. Allen’s eyes widened in horror as Komui came into view, holding a giant drill in one hand and the child of a science experiment and a torture implement in the other.

“Welcome back, Allen-kun.” Komui said pleasantly, his smile a wide crescent on his face. Allen wondered how he got himself thrown into the twilight zone. “Don’t try to fight your restraints, I’m sure you remember the sedative from the first time I worked on your Innocence.”

“Ko-ko-komui-san…” Allen stuttered. “W-what..”

“Don’t worry, Allen-kun,” Komui crooned. “I just have a few questions for you…and what your intentions are toward my darling sister.”

The drill drilled and the zapper zapped and Allen screamed.

**

Allen wasn’t sure how much time passed before the drill finally fell silent. Regardless, he was grateful beyond belief - he was completely worn down, about dead, and his stomach was torn between being hungry again and just plain nauseated. The ache in his left arm was bone-deep.

The zapper was placed on the ground, leaned against the operating table, and Allen wondered dimly whether the interrogation was finally over. He wasn’t sure why Komui wanted to know whether he knew everything about Linali – birthday, favorite foods, favorite colors, style of clothing, life history, measurements (his guesses were close enough that Komui had zapped him extra hard for being observant about her figure. Allen cried foul) and everything else. It wasn’t as if Komui didn’t know all those things already!

"And now, the last question..." Allen turned his head as Komui sat down beside him, pulling off his latex gloves and beret. From that angle, the surgery lights no longer glinted and obstructed the view of Komui's eyes. Allen blinked in surprise...Komui looked weary, uncharacteristically solemn.

"Komui-san...?"

Komui took off his glasses and started to absently clean them. After he was satisfied with what he could see through the lenses, he put them back. Finally, he whispered, "...can you love her as much as I do?"

Allen blinked, gray eyes searching the older man's face, but Komui's head was lowered. Finally, Allen shook his head. "I can't, Komui-san." Eye contact was established when Komui raised his head with a deadly glare. Allen caught it, held it. "I can't love her like you do because I'm not you. I'm me." Despite his tiredness, he smiled. "But I do love her, I love her as much as I'm capable of."

Komui held his gaze for a few more seconds before dropping his eyes. Allen waited, wondering if this was a dream, or some sort of elaborate Big Brother test. The Head Officer turned and searched around in his pockets for something, and Allen gulped loudly when a large syringe came out. Komui took the safety cap off and clear liquid came out from the needle when he pressed the plunger.

"Um, Komui-san, we can talk about this..." Allen babbled as the other man turned back, light once again glinting off his glasses in a way that was decidedly evil. "Komui-san~!" Allen wailed inwardly - he was too young to die! He hadn't even heard Linali's answer yet!

"Sleep well, Allen-kun." Komui said, slipping the needle into Allen's arm. When the white-haired exorcist's eyes slid closed, he gently laid a hand on the snowy head. "...it was a good answer." he murmured.

**

"...It's done."

"...it is."

"I am STARVING. No, wait. I need a shower, and sleep. And maybe 3 of Jerry's A-sets."

The two exorcists looked at the room: In the leftmost corner was a pile of shredded papers, portions of Lavi's old reports that met their unfortunate end with Mugen's First Illusion. On the table was a small stack of condensed mission reports. They knew for a fact that outside, there was a wheelbarrow for ferrying the rest of the old papers to the trash bins.

That was for later though. Right now Lavi felt torn between raiding the cafeteria (he wasn't sure if he could put away as much as Allen could on a bad day, but he was fairly willing to try) or just going to bed and sleeping for a week. Kanda didn't look much better, there were bags under his eyes and his glare lacked its usual edge. Whoever had been dropping off their food trays had neglected to bring Kanda any soba, and a Kanda without soba is a cranky Kanda indeed.

"Let's just get out of here for a while," Lavi suggested, hoping that their timely exit would allow them to get out of working on Kanda's reports. If there was a task more monumental than reducing a roomful of papers to a single stack, it was producing a stack of papers from mission reports composed of two sentences each.

**

The sun rose slowly, painting the sky brilliant pinks and golds and blues. Two slightly weary figures trudged down a hidden path toward the equally hidden Headquarters of the Dark Order, their mission completed successfully.

After the doorkeeper granted them entry, Linali Li smiled and waved as the Thomas, her Finder for the mission, bid her good-bye. She didn't even have to start the long trudge toward the elevators in order to reach her brother's office, because she could already hear the echoes of "Linaaaaaaaallllllliiiiiiiiiii!" bouncing off the inner walls of the Tower.

Her brother ran down the stairs two at a time, an irritated looking Reever behind him (making sure he doesn't escape after making a scene). Ten or so steps behind them were Lavi and Kanda, looking a strange mix of curious and bedraggled.

"Brother, I'm back." She said as he skidded to a stop in front of her.

"...Welcome back, Linali." He said, completing their ritual, even though something sounded odd in his voice. She gave him a questioning look but he only shook his head, and gave her a great big hug. She laughed and hugged him back.

And then, someone yelled her name from above, and she looked up.

**

Allen opened his eyes groggily when the sunlight made itself known behind his eyelids. He rubbed at them sleepily, and with a jot realized he was no longer strapped down. In fact, he was no longer on that operating table...the bed was soft, and the scent familiar. He was in his own room, still wearing his old clothes but with the vest taken off and the tie removed. The top few buttons were undone to make him more comfortable.

He sat up and gaped. His left hand, which had been aching and starting to flake yesterday from the non-stop missions, was back to normal. In fact, there was no pain at all and he flexed the fingers experimentally. They responded without a hint of the normal numbness.

"Eh?" Was everything that happened, with Komurin and Komui and the drill a dream??

Somewhere in the halls, there was the sound of a familiar voice calling out "Linaaaaaaaaliiiiiiii!" and Allen jumped, eyes instinctively going to the calendar on his wall. Today was the day that Linali came back! He scrambled out of bed, hurriedly pulling on his vest and sloppily draping the tie around his neck.

His room was on one of the middle levels, windows facing outward and door facing inward into the Tower center. He bent over the railing and looked down, and there she was. The sight of Komui hugging Linali made him remember something...the older man's almost approving words.

If...he had given a good answer...then...

"Linali!" he called down as loud as he could.

**

Linali looked up as her brother released her, hands still around her shoulders. Up...up...up, and there was Allen, almost hanging off the railing, hair in disarray and looking like he slept in his clothes for the past three days. He looked tired, but his smile was as brilliant as the sunlight through the stained glass roof haloing him.

She remembered telling him about her mission in the darkened side hallway, the week prior. He had smiled and wished her good luck...and asked her to marry him.

She had been so surprised that all she managed was a "I'll think about it."

Lavi and Kanda stopped beside her, also looking up, muttering puzzled, "moyashi?"s under their breath.

Allen beamed and balanced himself on the railing before cupping his hands in front of his mouth. "LINALI LI!" He hollered. "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

"Ohmygod." Linali gasped, covering her mouth as everyone on early morning duty stopped dead in shock. Hands tightened on her shoulders and she glanced toward her brother, fully expecting him to whip out a remote control for a Komurin to murder Allen in one hundred gruesome ways.

Komui smiled, even though it was a bit shaky. She searched his face, found nothing that she thought she would find, and everything that she could wish for. He squeezed her shoulders, and then let go.

"Did he...?" Lavi muttered under his breath to Kanda.

"He did." Kanda muttered back.

Linali started laughing, throwing her head back to shout back to Allen, "YES, I WILL, ALLEN WALKER!"

Lavi whooped and Allen invocated so he could leap down. All the onlookers started wolf-whistling and clapping. Komui was like a statue but he was too mindful of his sister's feelings to start bawling...at least that's what Kanda thought his expression meant. Kanda briefly rubbed at his temples, all this yelling and Lavi continuing the racket by shouting, "The beansprout is getting married!" was giving him a headache.

Madness, he decided without much rancor. It was complete and utter madness, and Linali - who was usually the sane one - was just as insane this time. Despite of it, he found himself roped into agreeing to attend the wedding, which was better than what happened to Lavi (the redhead bowed to the combined power of the happy couple's broad smiles and was press-ganged into being the Best Man).

"Hey, you know what?!" Lavi exclaimed. "This means..." he paused dramatically, waiting for everyone to turn their eyes on him, "...we get to throw Allen a bachelor's party!"

"Oh, hell no." Allen and Kanda said at the same time, in horror. It was quite possibly the only time they've ever agreed on anything.

And that was the tale of how Allen Walker and Linali Li got their happy ending.

**end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Aaaand it's a wrap, everything loaded, warts and all. Stay safe and healthy, everyone.


End file.
